I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Its about making memories worth repressing
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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