I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
