If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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