when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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