no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
