I will die if light touches me.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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