I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
