i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
