Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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