no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
