WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
