Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize