the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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