I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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