apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
