he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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