My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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