Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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