I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
