Soap is not a condiment
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
