omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
FUCK WHALES
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