Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
