so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
