yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
