Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
