fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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