Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
