why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
