remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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