Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
