planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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