wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
