I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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