I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
