i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
