After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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