I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
