Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
