We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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