I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
