we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
