It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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