Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
