Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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