Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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