i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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