Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
