I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
