and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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