You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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