Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't want my vagina anymore.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
