thus making me awesome and them whores
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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