I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
