Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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