Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
