Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
