I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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