70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
