Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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