I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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