During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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