I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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