she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
